Jarl Elisif the Fair,
I hope this letter finds you on a most delightful of mornings and with the pleasant color you shine so radiantly when I have visited you in the Blue Palace. My fairest Jarl, I have matters to discuss with you concerning the health and nutrition of the children in Solitude.
As you are already well aware, Solitude is the finest city in all of Skyrim with the cleanest streets and friendliest of peoples, public executions withstanding, and it is a beacon many other cities should, if they do not already, look up to for guidance. That having been said, I am most certain you will agree with me that this fair city needs to produce the most intelligent and strongest individuals. Not only for the war effort’s sake, these individuals should shine above the others as illuminating figureheads of Solitude’s dominance and continuous cultural progression. Aye, my fair Jarl, wearing a face whose beauty is unmatched by the stars sneezed across the sky from Akatosh’s blessing, I am certain you agree.
Why? Because a heart beats under those wonderful bosoms of yours. Were I to nestle in close and blow them a raspberry, the tingling of your warm heart would evoke the loveliest of giggles from your soft-spoken, pouting lips. And as we know with the latest medical breakthroughs, a tender giggle, like yours, is the sign of someone who is fair, just, caring, and kind to all souls who deserve it. And who to be more deserving of your graciousness than Solitude’s children?
Further insights into the latest medical breakthroughs reveal that devouring the flesh and bodies of tough creatures produces tough individuals. The heart of a bear leads to stalwart soldiers with ferocious howls even dragons have a hard time to restrain. Me? I consume the souls of dragons, and within me beats the combined thu’ums of over thirty ancient beasts. It’s why I haven’t been slain yet and why I shall carry forth without death’s fateful knock drumming against my door, but this isn’t about me. It’s about the children.
It’s about instilling within Solitude’s young a fervor and resilience unmatched by any of Skyrim’s other children. Unfortunately, the bear population isn’t possibly large enough to sustain our ever-increasing child-base here in this fine city. Also, slaying a bear is quite dangerous, and it can tie up many resources that are better spent fighting this dreary war effort. However, I have a solution.
A man of the lands, I have come across many caves and dungeons and seized many ingredients that can put forth the power of unmatched beasts in our young. This is why I write to you. I am proposing a new lunch program for the children of Solitude.
My beautiful Jarl, would you agree that frostbite spiders are a force to be reckoned with? Would you agree that, grown to full adulthood, they are fearsome creatures that have slain many fine people all across this realm?
Aye. I thought so. I imagine you’re quivering this very moment, reading this alone in your chambers where you can let your guard down and allow the fear to swell betwixt your loins. Your eyes glimmering with terror and your tongue effortlessly brushing against your perfect lips – I would hold you close at this moment. I would tremble with you, whispering gently in your ear that it will be all right, that no spiders would harm you, so long as I am with you.
But what if we can harness that power that petrifies you so, Elisif? What if we can endow our young with the terrifying might of the frostbite spider with relative ease? Believe me, we can do it, and I know how.
On my many journeys, I have rammed my sturdy gauntlets into more sacs than you would believe. Without a thought, I have jammed my fists into so many egg sacs, it seems so quaint and boring now – a typical afternoon. But what do I do with these frostbite spider egg sacs? Whom do I aid with them?
Solitude, I thought to myself. I aid the people of the most glorious city in all of Skyrim. With them, we can feed our children with the proper nutrients laced inside these eggs, and we can also grace them, at a young age, with the power and force of one of the most deadly creatures in all of Tamriel. Are you with me? Are you inferring my plan?
I speak plainly of mandated school lunches. Think of it, Elisif. All of Solitude’s children clenching their jaws around juicy egg sacs peppered with the best spices gold can afford. Tasty. Delicious. Healthy. In no time, our children will grow big and strong enough that they’ll overtake our commanders in sport and fight, paving the way for a superior race of frostbite spider-infused Nords. Are you drenched in the sweat of excitement and ecstasy yet?
Get back to me as soon as you can. I shall visit your palace on my next journey back. In the meantime, think it over, and we’ll discuss a price.
My life for your rule,
Cornelius G. Thundercock
Posts Tagged With: Jarl Elisif the Fair
Found on Jarl Elisif’s Desk
Jarl Elisif the Fair,
I hope this letter finds you on a most delightful of mornings and with the pleasant color you shine so radiantly when I have visited you in the Blue Palace. My fairest Jarl, I have matters to discuss with you concerning the health and nutrition of the children in Solitude.
As you are already well aware, Solitude is the finest city in all of Skyrim with the cleanest streets and friendliest of peoples, public executions withstanding, and it is a beacon many other cities should, if they do not already, look up to for guidance. That having been said, I am most certain you will agree with me that this fair city needs to produce the most intelligent and strongest individuals. Not only for the war effort’s sake, these individuals should shine above the others as illuminating figureheads of Solitude’s dominance and continuous cultural progression. Aye, my fair Jarl, wearing a face whose beauty is unmatched by the stars sneezed across the sky from Akatosh’s blessing, I am certain you agree.
Why? Because a heart beats under those wonderful bosoms of yours. Were I to nestle in close and blow them a raspberry, the tingling of your warm heart would evoke the loveliest of giggles from your soft-spoken, pouting lips. And as we know with the latest medical breakthroughs, a tender giggle, like yours, is the sign of someone who is fair, just, caring, and kind to all souls who deserve it. And who to be more deserving of your graciousness than Solitude’s children?
Further insights into the latest medical breakthroughs reveal that devouring the flesh and bodies of tough creatures produces tough individuals. The heart of a bear leads to stalwart soldiers with ferocious howls even dragons have a hard time to restrain. Me? I consume the souls of dragons, and within me beats the combined thu’ums of over thirty ancient beasts. It’s why I haven’t been slain yet and why I shall carry forth without death’s fateful knock drumming against my door, but this isn’t about me. It’s about the children.
It’s about instilling within Solitude’s young a fervor and resilience unmatched by any of Skyrim’s other children. Unfortunately, the bear population isn’t possibly large enough to sustain our ever-increasing child-base here in this fine city. Also, slaying a bear is quite dangerous, and it can tie up many resources that are better spent fighting this dreary war effort. However, I have a solution.
A man of the lands, I have come across many caves and dungeons and seized many ingredients that can put forth the power of unmatched beasts in our young. This is why I write to you. I am proposing a new lunch program for the children of Solitude.
My beautiful Jarl, would you agree that frostbite spiders are a force to be reckoned with? Would you agree that, grown to full adulthood, they are fearsome creatures that have slain many fine people all across this realm?
Aye. I thought so. I imagine you’re quivering this very moment, reading this alone in your chambers where you can let your guard down and allow the fear to swell betwixt your loins. Your eyes glimmering with terror and your tongue effortlessly brushing against your perfect lips – I would hold you close at this moment. I would tremble with you, whispering gently in your ear that it will be all right, that no spiders would harm you, so long as I am with you.
But what if we can harness that power that petrifies you so, Elisif? What if we can endow our young with the terrifying might of the frostbite spider with relative ease? Believe me, we can do it, and I know how.
On my many journeys, I have rammed my sturdy gauntlets into more sacs than you would believe. Without a thought, I have jammed my fists into so many egg sacs, it seems so quaint and boring now – a typical afternoon. But what do I do with these frostbite spider egg sacs? Whom do I aid with them?
Solitude, I thought to myself. I aid the people of the most glorious city in all of Skyrim. With them, we can feed our children with the proper nutrients laced inside these eggs, and we can also grace them, at a young age, with the power and force of one of the most deadly creatures in all of Tamriel. Are you with me? Are you inferring my plan?
I speak plainly of mandated school lunches. Think of it, Elisif. All of Solitude’s children clenching their jaws around juicy egg sacs peppered with the best spices gold can afford. Tasty. Delicious. Healthy. In no time, our children will grow big and strong enough that they’ll overtake our commanders in sport and fight, paving the way for a superior race of frostbite spider-infused Nords. Are you drenched in the sweat of excitement and ecstasy yet?
Get back to me as soon as you can. I shall visit your palace on my next journey back. In the meantime, think it over, and we’ll discuss a price.
My life for your rule,
Cornelius G. Thundercock
